| Me and that old woman :Sorrow pt. 1 |
[29 Nov 2006|03:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cynical |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Miles Davis * Autumn Leaves |
] |
.....and i call this:
One more creature, dizzy with love.
You'd think by now, at this age, you'd be interested in other things....keeping your mind off unnecessary, almost burnt out love. But is it really burnt out? It seems like everyone is high off of love these days, when really we should always be high in heels, spirit, pills or booze. It's not that im angry with love,,,,more that im angry at those in love. You know what i mean, I've seen too many glazed eyed assholes sitting under the moonlight drinking cheap wine and cuddling with a significant other....ugh... Maybe im just angry,,,,period. I guess a day like today would make anyone feel nausiated. You see, earlier this morning I found myself yelling at the top of my lungs, inside myself of course. Out of body experiences have served me well in these cases, the kind in which you grab a hold of the asshole and pull his/her hair out while slapping them and givin them the most wretched treatment you could imagine in your evil little mind. Have you seen the animal eaters documentaries? We consume animals and then one of us consumes the other, with love...Meanwhile I'd prefer to go to a bar or listen to music, it beats love because their arent any wounds..."and one day she just fell down inside of her sexual organs and vanished."
|
|
| What do you think I'd see if I could walk away from me |
[06 Jul 2006|03:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 sick |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
velvet underground * candy says |
] |
We built a sandcastle, i vowed i would build a sandcastle by the end of this summer. We've lived on the beach the past few days, theres something relaxing about the sound of the waves and the scent of the ocean. sorta keeps you away from reality. I guess this week has been more of a reality check, than anything else,, i lost a friend of mine, she made me feel better whenever i was down, she had this passive energy, almost healing. Cindy lost her mother to ovarian cancer last christmas, thru second hand smoke. She found out about her dad about the same time i did, that was our comfort level, in it together. I remember we'd both sit on the porch and listen to velvet underground while we drank horchata...its hard to explain how i feel...i had an emotional breakdown on the 4th of july in the morning..i couldnt handle things....everything seemed to collapse in front of me. Ive spent endless nights wandering from party, to nightclub, to kick back to anywhere, no sleep.. the night of july 4th i died, then came back to life. since then i was bed ridden, being watched constantly...struggling to get out of the bed to get away from there, once my weary legs hit the ground id fall to the floor....all the meds made me dizzy. i feel alot better now, im still tired, im going to hide out by myself for a while and recooperate. maybe start gardening as i planned, or finish some of my unfinished paintings....finish readin my Ascencio books, and get alot of sleep. its sad to think that my last real memories exist because i have photographs of them....the other memory i still have that has no evidence with photography was a verbal loss of a friend one night, i received a phonecall while i was at rachels kick back, i walk outside sit on a lonely bench in front of the stars....its 2 am and all i could hear is that someone i cared for so dearly lost any feeling he ever had for me.... someone who knew me, told me he doesnt know me.... i have a lot to think about, clear my mind, i have alot to get over, put things in the right order, prioritize...and so forth...cindy always told me i need to stop worrying about others and put ME first....this is for cindy.
|
|
| i feel unhappy now that im over you |
[23 Jun 2006|10:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 guilty |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Hope Sandoval & the warm inventions* Drop |
] |
I am oblivion, betrayl, the shell that did not hold an echo
from even the smallest wave in the sea.
I do not watch the submerged temples;
I watch only the trees moving their vast shadows over ruins,
biting the passing wind.
I watch the construction and deconstruction
of those complete shapes that the clouds invent up in the sky
Once,,, you had been a city whose nights held the promise of the morning to come
From your shattered mouth a song struggles to rise to mine,
the sound closes beneath my eyes like a flower under the awkward fingers of the blind.
I need to untangle myself, to decipher my identity.
Because I know that in some place,
like the cactus in the desert,
a clustered heart of thorns awaits a name as the cactus does the rain.
Love always,
Nella
|
|
| I'll buy you a jet plane, baby get you on a higher plane to a jet stream |
[30 May 2006|04:20pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 666 |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Patti Smith - Free Money |
] |
Dear Journal,
Look i got my nose pierced and then like an idiot i took it out....there was blood everywhere, all i remember was sitting and seein blood and Nick trying to calm me down cus when your under the influence blood can sometimes creep you out. So the ring goes out, and im left with this pimple on my nose..see. In other news Liars is this friday. Summer is here. Alot has happened and well pretty much alot is yet to come. Seaworld, skateboarding, free saki and sushi, Nick telling me about the end of the world, Chelsea's "de-tattooying" fund, my bbq dress, Marcie's boyfriend talks like a valley girl, coco water, watching Eric take off 3 different layers of pants, g stars, diesels and paper denims,after a hard days work, ahhahaha.
Something else, Im attempting to quit bad habits.,...and start new ones... haha
nella
|
|
| everyday you can see changes in her hair and smile |
[19 Feb 2006|10:54pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
mazzy star * roseblood |
] |
.....
In our world, love is an almost inaccessible experience. Everything is against it: morals, classes, laws, races and the very lovers themselves. The woman has always been for man the "other," his opposite and complement. If one part of our being longs to unite itself with her, another part--- equally imperious-- rejects and excludes her. Woman is an object, sometimes precious, sometimes harmful, but always DIFFERENT. By converting her into an object and subjecting her to the deformations which his interests, his vanity, his angush and his very love dictate, man changes her into an instument, a means of obtaining understanding and pleasure, a way of achieving survival. Woman is an idol, a goddess, a mother, a witch or a muse. But she can never be her own self. Thus our relationships are vitiated at the outset, are poisoned at the root. A phantasm comes between us, and this phantasm is the image, the image of her, the image we have made of her.....Her being is divided between what she really is and what shes imagines she is.....She never expresses her femininity because it always manifests itselfs in forms men have invented for her.
Modern man likes to pretend that his thinking is wide awake. But this wide awake thinking has led us into the mazes of a nightmare in which the torture chambers are endlessly repeated in the mirrors of reason. When we emerge, perhaps we will realize that we have been dreaming with our eyes open, and that the dreams of reason are intolerable. And then, perhaps...........................we will begin to dream once more with our eyes closed.
|
|
|
[19 Dec 2005|09:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 cold |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the strokes * juicebox |
] |
Dear Journal,
This past weekend was such a blur, dude, talk about being in hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh school all over again.
forever your girl,
Nella Casablancas
|
|
|
[15 Dec 2005|03:29pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 pessimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
ours * Im a monster |
] |
I'm a vampire clinging to the sounds for a fast high.
|
|
| If loving only came with Effort |
[12 Dec 2005|11:57pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lazy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Vetiver * On a Nerve |
] |
photo by Baby Boy Tommy ♥
Dear Journal:
The other day as i was walking to a class, i smelled a sweet familiar scent. It was how you smelled to me. I stopped and looked around hoping you'd somehow managed to find me at that exact location and time, because ive always believed in romantical qualities.....i did a full turn and only saw an old asian lady sitting on the bench underneath the old tree that once protected me from the rain. She smiled at me, and handed me a booklet...the booklet was titled "a better world" and had a rainbow with kids playing underneath it. As i reached down to take it from her she held my hand and simply smiled. language barrier. As I smiled back the scent grew stronger, she was the scent.....the scent i loved you for. i couldnt help but smile as i walked away. smile at the idea that this pleasant lady let me smell what i knew as love once again. i couldnt help but smile at the idea of an eighty something year old sitting under the tree at a unversity. as if she was placed there just for me....im falling in love all over again
friends forever,
Nella
.
Bullshit.
|
|
| xxx |
[05 Dec 2005|05:38pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 essay writer |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
CREATION * making time |
] |
My two greatest friends are currently in San Francisco having a blast with the San Franciscans....while im home writing papers and shit for finals. So far Ive done super great though...so on Sunday I woke up early, like 7 30, for a fieldtrip to the San Andreas Fault...hahaha my professor is so cool..she told us we shouldve brought some joints...im not kiddin. Well i wanted to make it fun and i invited someone to go with me...but he has a packed schedule on a Sunday morning apparently. So then guess who came with me! So today i got a hair cut...sorta...and well look at my bed. (p.s. mr graffart himself proposed to me a few days ago!)
( always singing the same old song.... )
|
|
| a thimble's worth of milky moon can touch hearts larger than a thimble |
[23 Nov 2005|10:36pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bored |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
joanna newsom * bridges and balloons |
] |
dear journal,
tonight were going to moscow then bar hopping.
this is routine.
its so boring.
same people
same belligerence
same music
same same
snooze zzz zzz
dear lord,
please send me something new and worth getting ready for.
i need excitment again.
this phase of boredom from the nightlife is killing me.
i promise i'll pray and give thanks and stuff on thanksgiving.
thanks alot.
t.c.c.i.c.
<3Yella
p.s. joanna newsom is my favorite today
|
|
| i wanna be with you all of the time |
[11 Nov 2005|03:02pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
broken social scene * swimmers |
] |
I was waiting for you, I was standing around, I was getting older, I was going down....
If you always get up late, you'll never be on time...and thats a shame, cus i like you
( my toes are red )
|
|
| easing all my fond memories of a life you couldnt take |
[08 Nov 2005|07:45pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
the boogers are back on attack |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Omar A. Rodriguez-Lopez* The Palpitations Form a Limit |
] |
Dear Journal,
This morning it occured to me that I should disregard the laws of humanity, not by way of protest, not as any fucking symbol, or anything like that merely as a novel experience. So i crossed to the left side of the street, checked the feeling and the feeling was goooood! All this enhanced by the thought that nothing could be nearer to the elimination of basic physical laws than deliberately driving on the wrong side of the road.....now that i think of it, in a way it was sorta a spiritual itch. you ever get one of those?
p.s. my house is undergoing extensive remodeling for the holidays.(doesnt cedrics voice sound hot in this song?)
( .....cars coming towards me wobbled, swerved, and cried out in fear )
|
|
| sometimes its hard to focus when your indian records are playing. |
[01 Nov 2005|10:22pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
full |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
asha bhosle & mahendra kapoor * one two three baby |
] |
Dear Journal,
Tonight Marcy and I discovered the mysteries of Indian food. I bought a cookbook entitled " Easy Indian Cooking" and we cooked and created what is known as the most exotic spicy food on earth.....yeah thats right i can cook bitches..whole Baked Masala Cauliflower, gena's Kababs (flavored with green onions, ginger, cilantro, crisp fried onions) topped off by drinking some "Tamilnadu".. i also played my imported vintage Asha Bhosle and Mohd. Rafi records that cost me a fortune....fuck i love culture. Dude, one day ima make some man happy...he'll come home from a rough day to the scent of some exotic foods, and me naked in front of a hot stove...hahahahaahha. haha....hahahahaha..ha !!( dude )
|
|
|
[29 Oct 2005|02:44pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worshipping satan |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the buzzcocks - ever fallen in love? |
] |
 Yesterday it was hard to concentrate. Yesterday it was hard to realize that my past is my past. and thats that. Yesterday I discovered who my "secret admirer" is. Ive recieved notes (verbal and on paper) at work....i am completely flattered. however, when i found out who it was, he was completely embarrassed...he probably realized how "little kiddy" it is to send love letters.....little does he know i am probably the most childish kiddy that could ever exist. the kind who spends hours playing mega man instead of doing homework. who skips dinner for desert. who still sleeps with a little pillow ( similar to when a child adores a little blanky and cant sleep without it), who insists on swimming right after she eats, who believes in hello kitty and shira. You know, the kind that sits in class drawing hearts and unicorns and rainbows instead of taking notes....occasionally writing a boys name in the hearts. Hes a nice boy, who comes into the store every week wearing various vintage concert tshirts. one time he asked me if we carried any Kiss original tshirts...when we had a zillion hanging above his head, he blushed and scurrried out the door. haha, aww. oh and p.s. do you notice how every picture im in i always have some sort of little hair hanging across my stupid face? do you see!! :/
( i cant see much of the future )
|
|
| Little kingdoms in your chest |
[18 Oct 2005|06:58pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dreamlike |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
broken social scene * almost crimes |
] |
Dear Journal,
What is life all about? Its enough to be alive, to see the sea the sky and watch the changes. To eat, talk, joke and create, LOVE, feel the air, ground, sun, yourself and not have to be somebody. Today i rememebered what it was like when it was time to cry, and it was all right then. To explode the world and melt everything warm, and start new, washed and clean. LOOK YOUVE NEVER SEEN ME BEOFRE. its all in your imagination.....except for the part when i was in your arms, alive. i sat in between the raindrops today, i stayed under the comfort of a lonely tree, keeping the rain away from my head. i sat and drew in my sketchbook....i drew my minds moving clouds, moving sea, moving me. i traveled through past memories, warm breezes in the afternoon light, bright leaves shaded grass contrasting streams of color blend and discover, fuse and scatter, never to recover this moment ever again.. Sometimes you do more traveling when sitting alone under a tree, exploring the collection of photo albums in your mind. After coughing myself inside out i decided to take a walk through the neighborhood. One could make out the geometry of the streets between blocks of red and gray roofs, and green puffs of trees, and the rich glitter of the city dump. Roads crisscrossing the crazy pale fields, and behind it all stood those painted like mountains. But even brighter than those mountains, brighter than those colors, both brighter and dreamier to the ear than they were to the eye, was that vapory vibration of accumulated sounds that never ceased for a moment. And i soon realized that all these sounds came from my transparent town. Did this make any sense at all?
|
|
|
[17 Oct 2005|10:45am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
disappointed |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Anniversary Of An Uninteresting Event |
] |
( . )
|
|
| im a fucking animal |
[14 Oct 2005|04:05pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
frustrated |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
cities on flame with rock n roll |
] |
dude, i need to get laid....like soon.
|
|
|
[12 Oct 2005|12:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 optimistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
I'm waiting for mah man |
] |
why do i always cry when i watch this movie. i love it.
**dude my manager and i were figuring out ways to score depeche mode tickets all day at work today.. haha scalpers U.S.A.! we listened to every depeche mode album and danced and sang along and read vice magazines "do's and dont's" too. fuck i love my job. oh and this guy wearing a rad stone free shirt hit on me today, and he used his cute little snoopy look alike doggy to attempt to charm me.
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
nelladoll's journal
green
